Finding the real way home...

Well < I am home in a way.....I'm not at my parent's anymore. I have very amazing parents, they are so helpful. They actually drove me to and from their place. We're talking many hours of driving....they left this morning to go back, somewhat quickly in my opinion, but maybe they had enough of me....I certainly know this feeling. Unfortunately I started feeling this feeling myself..... intensely..... maybe.... Tuesday morning or Monday night. I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff about to step off or (better yet, push someone else off)...How did little old vegetarian, peace loving, yogic me get to this point?.......this is the question of the year......better yet, the question of my life....I had this same feeling often when I was married and living with my husband. Suddenly, it seemed out of no-where....... I had such strong feelings......flash anger.....oppressive feelings..... like my insides were trying to crawl out, taking all my strenght to contain it......my doctor told me, years ago, it was hormonal, perhaps partly.....but going on the pill did not seem to be the answer...it could appear quickly and not necessarily in connection to a hormonal cycle. Certainly it is related to people and sometimes..... I think I need to just live in a cave away from any close family members, so much for sharing tasks in the house. Where is my perspective? That tiny place where I can see things without an emotional reaction that could rock volcanoes. I have a friend that told me she needed to be locked in a room during her period, she was so grateful when it ended. I wish my answer was that easy.

I think it is like my hunger....my need to nourish myself ....it seems ok to say hmmmmm.........I can eat this crap today and it will be fine. I can drink this today and it's ok and it's ok if I am too much in my mind and fears to sleep....it's just tonight......then it's a week or two or more and I am full of sugar and caffeine or marguaritas and off center completely. Sometimes it is trying to eat properly, waiting and looking to find something finally..... that does not nourish me either, but is somewhat better than what was offered earlier (or not) or that I over eat because I am so hungry and afterward I feel sick. I have an incredibly sensitive stomach, it seems. I have had three dizzy spells these last two days....I stop them quickly, (with my mind of course..) but I am sure it is because my mind is exploding in fear and anxiety..

New job, French to learn quickly, new car, new insurance, old car, old insurance, registration, vacation credit card bills......broken phone, flat tires....... relationship issues, flood in the basement ,(Did it stop raining only when I was gone, only to return with me?). House a mess, basement a mess.....teenager's stuff needing to be organized ( I am sure my husband,who sees her two or three times a week could organize both, her and me) After being around people who know everything and how it should be done....I lose myself.....my confidence, my sense of purpose, I am so lost...alone without them. With them.....I am just upholding the routine, this becomes my purpose......... we all accept this as survival and God knows they all know how to survive in this world better than I do.....without them I am lost. With them I am overwhelmed by feelings that make me question my sanity....What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I just "FIT"

Years ago I lived in a community, actually an ashram.....my daughter was small.....there was another woman, well connected and powerful (unlike me), often I worked and she would do the child care for both of our girls...I thought I noticed an attitude toward my daughter......as if she were a second class citizen......in a way we were, we were not versed in the ways of the ashram, nor were we seasoned......I told myself I was over reacting, after all .....she was a spiritual, humble woman in so many ways...... somehow I could not let go of that feeling. Was I projecting my insecurity on my child? She would separate my child from hers, because mine had a perenniel runny nose and there were always various reasons for the treatment.......I am not sure why or how one day I blew.....I cried, as I told her that her treatment of my daughter, was unacceptable...... I lost my child care and regained some dignity, but I still beat myself up for waiting so long.......


My darling daughter and I became enemies by the end of the trip..... I lost my place as adult or parent it seemed and she argued and fought with me. I think their pressure to conform pushed me with her, they have an attitude, if you are not part of their idea of how people should be, you are part of the problem and I felt more pressure to push her to conform...

I noticed a few things......

1. My father told me I could not sell my older car because........I would not be able to stand up for the value......I would be paying the guy to take it, he said......In my family, I confess all weakness and responsibilty quickly......sometimes I will say I did something just to avoid the Spanish inquistion that follows......guilt must be placed before anything can be done...it seems. To avoid the guilt, confess loudly and quickly......(this include old cars that have "conditons" like water holding doors and rusty exteriors)

2. If something is missing and invaribly it always is.....we have a total crisis in which, everyone is involved.......I've played that one out......although I still have the lost item crisis.. I try not to involve the entire world.....Awareness is part of the healing..I am well aware..I battle the lost object with a minimum of screaming now.....

I did not want to write again, until I was more centered and I could find the value in myself again....but really that would not be the truth of what I am. I am in process, in healing, in a battle between the oppressive mind and the compassion of the heart......by confessing, I can release my judgement and guilt. This frees me to see what is underneath....there are no good guys or bad guys, if you heard my parents side you would see things differently I am sure......My mind has its reasons also...

I am the little girl, that is treated as a second class citizen, by herself.........I wait too long to speak up, take place, find my center again........but I will and then I will be knocked off my center again. For now, that is the game or the drill, but each time..... I see something more....each time I marvel at how well the universe teaches us and our mother gently takes us once again by the hand and we are found....

I have tools (drawing .......writing and supportive people and a degree of faith that grows a bit more all the time)

I am blessed, as are you....I hope you feel it too and when you don't write me, I'll hold you hand, as we look for her together.....

PS In true form, my phone was broken all week (the week I was gone)....it was busy.. a busy signal..... perhaps I was too busy trying to fit in to really hear the truth inside....