I am really tired, so it will, hopefully, be short today. I really need to go to bed. My body is sending me messages loud and clear, I am doing my best to ignore these messages, but I am unable to completely escape the message being delivered loudly and persistently. At first, I thought I must be crazy.......to be losing weight again.......without any effort or consciencious choice. Then I realized that feeling incredibly bloated, having terrible gas and stomach pains aren't conducive to eating....but still it is crazy, yes.....I am going back to a job that was so stressful, I almost had a melt down. I literally counted the days to Christmas and cried January first, when I had to return. I have a respectable job. This seems to be important to the mind,especially the ego but...... there is a part of me that knows this is somehow not what I agreed to do here. The tension between the parts of me is creating havoc in my body.......


I have had daily diarrhea,,,,,,,basically shit just leaking out of me...while I feel full of shit, the soul inside is starving.... humilating to admit to, no control over this body, it seems.....I always wanted to be the dynamic, organized, well dressed and respected career woman. I am completely overwhelmed....and it hasn't even started offically yet. My first appointment with the stress counseler is tomorrow. I wonder if the car, the expenses are really this stress........

I met a woman who did a job, like mine she quit it because of her health. I asked her what was the problem with her health she said....dizzy spells......Well, shit that is... nothing.......I had two or three this week on top of the diarrhea.......but I can still move so.... off towork I go..I had this enlightening conversation with someone ..... I knew last year about this job and yet.....I bought a car and continued to believe this year this time it could be better.......funny how the truth returns and then eludes me, as I just move back intothe dream of again being normal and fitting in. I cant tell you how being normal is so much bullshit. I can't believe how I can touch the truth profoundly and turn my back and fall into the dream of separation, war internal and external...the power struggle of the mind for complete domination of the body.... This struggle is being met with fierce resistance from the body in between the shame and frustration, a small part of me is cheering the body on ....You go girl, you get that crazy woman's attention.....in the meantime.....while I work on being transformed into a hear(t) centered being.......I open a small door to possibilities of liberation by drawing, praying, listening, calling for support and even some silence, complaining really makes it worse, trust me......