I am really tired, so it will, hopefully, be short today. I really need to go to bed. My body is sending me messages loud and clear, I am doing my best to ignore these messages, but I am unable to completely escape the message being delivered loudly and persistently. At first, I thought I must be crazy.......to be losing weight again.......without any effort or consciencious choice. Then I realized that feeling incredibly bloated, having terrible gas and stomach pains aren't conducive to eating....but still it is crazy, yes.....I am going back to a job that was so stressful, I almost had a melt down. I literally counted the days to Christmas and cried January first, when I had to return. I have a respectable job. This seems to be important to the mind,especially the ego but...... there is a part of me that knows this is somehow not what I agreed to do here. The tension between the parts of me is creating havoc in my body.......
I have had daily diarrhea,,,,,,,basically shit just leaking out of me...while I feel full of shit, the soul inside is starving.... humilating to admit to, no control over this body, it seems.....I always wanted to be the dynamic, organized, well dressed and respected career woman. I am completely overwhelmed....and it hasn't even started offically yet. My first appointment with the stress counseler is tomorrow. I wonder if the car, the expenses are really this stress........
I met a woman who did a job, like mine she quit it because of her health. I asked her what was the problem with her health she said....dizzy spells......Well, shit that is... nothing.......I had two or three this week on top of the diarrhea.......but I can still move so.... off towork I go..I had this enlightening conversation with someone ..... I knew last year about this job and yet.....I bought a car and continued to believe this year this time it could be better.......funny how the truth returns and then eludes me, as I just move back intothe dream of again being normal and fitting in. I cant tell you how being normal is so much bullshit. I can't believe how I can touch the truth profoundly and turn my back and fall into the dream of separation, war internal and external...the power struggle of the mind for complete domination of the body.... This struggle is being met with fierce resistance from the body in between the shame and frustration, a small part of me is cheering the body on ....You go girl, you get that crazy woman's attention.....in the meantime.....while I work on being transformed into a hear(t) centered being.......I open a small door to possibilities of liberation by drawing, praying, listening, calling for support and even some silence, complaining really makes it worse, trust me......
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Finding the real way home...
Well < I am home in a way.....I'm not at my parent's anymore. I have very amazing parents, they are so helpful. They actually drove me to and from their place. We're talking many hours of driving....they left this morning to go back, somewhat quickly in my opinion, but maybe they had enough of me....I certainly know this feeling. Unfortunately I started feeling this feeling myself..... intensely..... maybe.... Tuesday morning or Monday night. I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff about to step off or (better yet, push someone else off)...How did little old vegetarian, peace loving, yogic me get to this point?.......this is the question of the year......better yet, the question of my life....I had this same feeling often when I was married and living with my husband. Suddenly, it seemed out of no-where....... I had such strong feelings......flash anger.....oppressive feelings..... like my insides were trying to crawl out, taking all my strenght to contain it......my doctor told me, years ago, it was hormonal, perhaps partly.....but going on the pill did not seem to be the answer...it could appear quickly and not necessarily in connection to a hormonal cycle. Certainly it is related to people and sometimes..... I think I need to just live in a cave away from any close family members, so much for sharing tasks in the house. Where is my perspective? That tiny place where I can see things without an emotional reaction that could rock volcanoes. I have a friend that told me she needed to be locked in a room during her period, she was so grateful when it ended. I wish my answer was that easy.
I think it is like my hunger....my need to nourish myself ....it seems ok to say hmmmmm.........I can eat this crap today and it will be fine. I can drink this today and it's ok and it's ok if I am too much in my mind and fears to sleep....it's just tonight......then it's a week or two or more and I am full of sugar and caffeine or marguaritas and off center completely. Sometimes it is trying to eat properly, waiting and looking to find something finally..... that does not nourish me either, but is somewhat better than what was offered earlier (or not) or that I over eat because I am so hungry and afterward I feel sick. I have an incredibly sensitive stomach, it seems. I have had three dizzy spells these last two days....I stop them quickly, (with my mind of course..) but I am sure it is because my mind is exploding in fear and anxiety..
New job, French to learn quickly, new car, new insurance, old car, old insurance, registration, vacation credit card bills......broken phone, flat tires....... relationship issues, flood in the basement ,(Did it stop raining only when I was gone, only to return with me?). House a mess, basement a mess.....teenager's stuff needing to be organized ( I am sure my husband,who sees her two or three times a week could organize both, her and me) After being around people who know everything and how it should be done....I lose myself.....my confidence, my sense of purpose, I am so lost...alone without them. With them.....I am just upholding the routine, this becomes my purpose......... we all accept this as survival and God knows they all know how to survive in this world better than I do.....without them I am lost. With them I am overwhelmed by feelings that make me question my sanity....What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I just "FIT"
Years ago I lived in a community, actually an ashram.....my daughter was small.....there was another woman, well connected and powerful (unlike me), often I worked and she would do the child care for both of our girls...I thought I noticed an attitude toward my daughter......as if she were a second class citizen......in a way we were, we were not versed in the ways of the ashram, nor were we seasoned......I told myself I was over reacting, after all .....she was a spiritual, humble woman in so many ways...... somehow I could not let go of that feeling. Was I projecting my insecurity on my child? She would separate my child from hers, because mine had a perenniel runny nose and there were always various reasons for the treatment.......I am not sure why or how one day I blew.....I cried, as I told her that her treatment of my daughter, was unacceptable...... I lost my child care and regained some dignity, but I still beat myself up for waiting so long.......
My darling daughter and I became enemies by the end of the trip..... I lost my place as adult or parent it seemed and she argued and fought with me. I think their pressure to conform pushed me with her, they have an attitude, if you are not part of their idea of how people should be, you are part of the problem and I felt more pressure to push her to conform...
I noticed a few things......
1. My father told me I could not sell my older car because........I would not be able to stand up for the value......I would be paying the guy to take it, he said......In my family, I confess all weakness and responsibilty quickly......sometimes I will say I did something just to avoid the Spanish inquistion that follows......guilt must be placed before anything can be done...it seems. To avoid the guilt, confess loudly and quickly......(this include old cars that have "conditons" like water holding doors and rusty exteriors)
2. If something is missing and invaribly it always is.....we have a total crisis in which, everyone is involved.......I've played that one out......although I still have the lost item crisis.. I try not to involve the entire world.....Awareness is part of the healing..I am well aware..I battle the lost object with a minimum of screaming now.....
I did not want to write again, until I was more centered and I could find the value in myself again....but really that would not be the truth of what I am. I am in process, in healing, in a battle between the oppressive mind and the compassion of the heart......by confessing, I can release my judgement and guilt. This frees me to see what is underneath....there are no good guys or bad guys, if you heard my parents side you would see things differently I am sure......My mind has its reasons also...
I am the little girl, that is treated as a second class citizen, by herself.........I wait too long to speak up, take place, find my center again........but I will and then I will be knocked off my center again. For now, that is the game or the drill, but each time..... I see something more....each time I marvel at how well the universe teaches us and our mother gently takes us once again by the hand and we are found....
I have tools (drawing .......writing and supportive people and a degree of faith that grows a bit more all the time)
I am blessed, as are you....I hope you feel it too and when you don't write me, I'll hold you hand, as we look for her together.....
PS In true form, my phone was broken all week (the week I was gone)....it was busy.. a busy signal..... perhaps I was too busy trying to fit in to really hear the truth inside....
I think it is like my hunger....my need to nourish myself ....it seems ok to say hmmmmm.........I can eat this crap today and it will be fine. I can drink this today and it's ok and it's ok if I am too much in my mind and fears to sleep....it's just tonight......then it's a week or two or more and I am full of sugar and caffeine or marguaritas and off center completely. Sometimes it is trying to eat properly, waiting and looking to find something finally..... that does not nourish me either, but is somewhat better than what was offered earlier (or not) or that I over eat because I am so hungry and afterward I feel sick. I have an incredibly sensitive stomach, it seems. I have had three dizzy spells these last two days....I stop them quickly, (with my mind of course..) but I am sure it is because my mind is exploding in fear and anxiety..
New job, French to learn quickly, new car, new insurance, old car, old insurance, registration, vacation credit card bills......broken phone, flat tires....... relationship issues, flood in the basement ,(Did it stop raining only when I was gone, only to return with me?). House a mess, basement a mess.....teenager's stuff needing to be organized ( I am sure my husband,who sees her two or three times a week could organize both, her and me) After being around people who know everything and how it should be done....I lose myself.....my confidence, my sense of purpose, I am so lost...alone without them. With them.....I am just upholding the routine, this becomes my purpose......... we all accept this as survival and God knows they all know how to survive in this world better than I do.....without them I am lost. With them I am overwhelmed by feelings that make me question my sanity....What the fuck is wrong with me, why can't I just "FIT"
Years ago I lived in a community, actually an ashram.....my daughter was small.....there was another woman, well connected and powerful (unlike me), often I worked and she would do the child care for both of our girls...I thought I noticed an attitude toward my daughter......as if she were a second class citizen......in a way we were, we were not versed in the ways of the ashram, nor were we seasoned......I told myself I was over reacting, after all .....she was a spiritual, humble woman in so many ways...... somehow I could not let go of that feeling. Was I projecting my insecurity on my child? She would separate my child from hers, because mine had a perenniel runny nose and there were always various reasons for the treatment.......I am not sure why or how one day I blew.....I cried, as I told her that her treatment of my daughter, was unacceptable...... I lost my child care and regained some dignity, but I still beat myself up for waiting so long.......
My darling daughter and I became enemies by the end of the trip..... I lost my place as adult or parent it seemed and she argued and fought with me. I think their pressure to conform pushed me with her, they have an attitude, if you are not part of their idea of how people should be, you are part of the problem and I felt more pressure to push her to conform...
I noticed a few things......
1. My father told me I could not sell my older car because........I would not be able to stand up for the value......I would be paying the guy to take it, he said......In my family, I confess all weakness and responsibilty quickly......sometimes I will say I did something just to avoid the Spanish inquistion that follows......guilt must be placed before anything can be done...it seems. To avoid the guilt, confess loudly and quickly......(this include old cars that have "conditons" like water holding doors and rusty exteriors)
2. If something is missing and invaribly it always is.....we have a total crisis in which, everyone is involved.......I've played that one out......although I still have the lost item crisis.. I try not to involve the entire world.....Awareness is part of the healing..I am well aware..I battle the lost object with a minimum of screaming now.....
I did not want to write again, until I was more centered and I could find the value in myself again....but really that would not be the truth of what I am. I am in process, in healing, in a battle between the oppressive mind and the compassion of the heart......by confessing, I can release my judgement and guilt. This frees me to see what is underneath....there are no good guys or bad guys, if you heard my parents side you would see things differently I am sure......My mind has its reasons also...
I am the little girl, that is treated as a second class citizen, by herself.........I wait too long to speak up, take place, find my center again........but I will and then I will be knocked off my center again. For now, that is the game or the drill, but each time..... I see something more....each time I marvel at how well the universe teaches us and our mother gently takes us once again by the hand and we are found....
I have tools (drawing .......writing and supportive people and a degree of faith that grows a bit more all the time)
I am blessed, as are you....I hope you feel it too and when you don't write me, I'll hold you hand, as we look for her together.....
PS In true form, my phone was broken all week (the week I was gone)....it was busy.. a busy signal..... perhaps I was too busy trying to fit in to really hear the truth inside....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Bitch Alert
Hi
Well it has been a couple of days of stock piling subjects to write about, just when I think I have nothing more to say ............... I become too full of things to say .........my horoscope warned me "today find less radical ways of expressing yourself"......funny I think that is exactly the problem.... I've done that for way too long. I find I want to express myself constantly......It took all my strength not to tell the guy behind the drug store counter, he should look less bored, if he wants to keep his job. This coming on the tail end of writing an honest criticism of the service at a restaurant. A restaurant that I did not want to go to, where I ate something I did not want and was misrepresented....all to be nice..........Good lord no wonder I do not want to be around my family, somehow I get the feeling it is happening on both sides, we come from a long line of people who do not speak their minds and God knows when I do, the shit hits the fan.... My stomach is still upset and letting me know about it. This upset stomach is giving me this time to write, I cannot sleep with such an upset stomach. This is the gift in the challenge. Why is it being nice for me, translates into eating shit both literally and figuratively?
It is so much easier to be honest with strangers...and they seem to be receiving my wrath or my beginning attempts to express myself, depending on how you look at it. I do have to give myself credit....with humor, I have been more direct with my dad...it's my mom that challenges me now.
I have to warn you that I am on a bitch alert....... my childhood best friend is removing her currently healthy ovaries on the advice I suppose of her doctor, I thought their first and foremost creed was, at the very base, to do no harm.....to the patient. She is also going to do her breasts.... because they are also at risk. It seems she has a high risk due to a gene.......she has insurance and time coming to her....... so she wants to do it all as soon as possible. Her mother and grandma seemed to be clear of this disease( I believe), but all the sisters seem to have been done (translate this into having had their breasts and ovaries removed) or half done. One sister had it done all at once......she is still is the hospital almost a month due to complications....
I had read about this mentality, before the gene.......where women were told to remove their uterus, ovaries and breasts as preventative actions, since after children they were not needed ... .......Are penises ever cut off as preventative medicine......( I warned you!!!)
The best I could do was beg my friend to wait on doing her breasts, I felt, ....since I was not in her shoes, I had no right to tell her to reconsider the ovary procedure. It is scheduled for my birthday, she informed me more than once......I am sure there is a message in this, but I do not know what it is...except my birthday will be more stressful than usual.
When I was younger, I was in a group of writers, we wrote about everything. Many of the women were older and had these procedures done..they were angry and felt they were misled....it is hard to make decisions when fear is present. Being nice ....civilized.....I feel so guilty......but who am I to tell her what to do, she is so sure she is right and for her maybe she is.
I told her I would wait to see what happens....she said that would be too late.
On a lighter note, I have subjected my daughter to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show", having been a teen-aged veteran....it seemed a right of passage....I still hated a good part of it and loved the first part, consistency...... finally..... somewhere......This movie touched almost every taboo at the time....incest, cross gender dressing... sexuality and even cannibalism.......yet the main characters are men....maybe that social issue was too closely sewn in the seams of society....maybe that is just my perspective...my daughter and I like Magenta, Columbia (female characters) and to a degree Janet, but only after she had tasted "forbidden fruit"......I leave that to your imagination. For me, this was the only thing that at least somehow addressed my need to explore sexuality, at that time in my life.....Janet becomes as sexually active as the main character, but is redressed in a song to put her back in her place..she is supposed to be satisfied with him as her only lover, no matter how many lovers he had.....this was the seventies, I am sure it has changed for women now....(at least I hope so) I noticed the two extremes.......... slut and virgin ......funny there was no in between .....no place for a woman to follow her heart and sexual feelings, just the two extremes........Has this changed???? God I hope so, or is this still radical?.....for me it is.....radical enough...
My final rant today......
Filling up on "junk" food, being I thought I did not eat junk food, this made me immune to this problem, but if you define junk food as food that does not nourish you......I am guilty as charged. As in the case of the doctor, if the base is to eat food that at least does you no harm......Good Lord, I can be condemned as well......What am I filling?........my body......my mind..... filling up is like mistaking sex for love is a trap...... It is easy to fall into this trap because sometimes I do not feel I can be fulfilled.....wanting to be fulfilled is a cry from the soul to nourish myself with people and activities, as well as food that feed me. I deserve to be fulfilled, as do you...we need to believe this and nourish our souls first, the food is less important and will follow. When I fill up with food or a relationship that is not fulfilling, I know it...by the tail of resentment that follows and needs to be dealt with in some way..... I am allowing myself time and compassion..healing is a bit different than surviving...I am practiced at surviving..healing like learning to walk involves falling and patiently and lovingly lifting yourself up and trying again, there is always another chance to make another choice.....we are truly blessed......
Thank you for listening
Theresa
Well it has been a couple of days of stock piling subjects to write about, just when I think I have nothing more to say ............... I become too full of things to say .........my horoscope warned me "today find less radical ways of expressing yourself"......funny I think that is exactly the problem.... I've done that for way too long. I find I want to express myself constantly......It took all my strength not to tell the guy behind the drug store counter, he should look less bored, if he wants to keep his job. This coming on the tail end of writing an honest criticism of the service at a restaurant. A restaurant that I did not want to go to, where I ate something I did not want and was misrepresented....all to be nice..........Good lord no wonder I do not want to be around my family, somehow I get the feeling it is happening on both sides, we come from a long line of people who do not speak their minds and God knows when I do, the shit hits the fan.... My stomach is still upset and letting me know about it. This upset stomach is giving me this time to write, I cannot sleep with such an upset stomach. This is the gift in the challenge. Why is it being nice for me, translates into eating shit both literally and figuratively?
It is so much easier to be honest with strangers...and they seem to be receiving my wrath or my beginning attempts to express myself, depending on how you look at it. I do have to give myself credit....with humor, I have been more direct with my dad...it's my mom that challenges me now.
I have to warn you that I am on a bitch alert....... my childhood best friend is removing her currently healthy ovaries on the advice I suppose of her doctor, I thought their first and foremost creed was, at the very base, to do no harm.....to the patient. She is also going to do her breasts.... because they are also at risk. It seems she has a high risk due to a gene.......she has insurance and time coming to her....... so she wants to do it all as soon as possible. Her mother and grandma seemed to be clear of this disease( I believe), but all the sisters seem to have been done (translate this into having had their breasts and ovaries removed) or half done. One sister had it done all at once......she is still is the hospital almost a month due to complications....
I had read about this mentality, before the gene.......where women were told to remove their uterus, ovaries and breasts as preventative actions, since after children they were not needed ... .......Are penises ever cut off as preventative medicine......( I warned you!!!)
The best I could do was beg my friend to wait on doing her breasts, I felt, ....since I was not in her shoes, I had no right to tell her to reconsider the ovary procedure. It is scheduled for my birthday, she informed me more than once......I am sure there is a message in this, but I do not know what it is...except my birthday will be more stressful than usual.
When I was younger, I was in a group of writers, we wrote about everything. Many of the women were older and had these procedures done..they were angry and felt they were misled....it is hard to make decisions when fear is present. Being nice ....civilized.....I feel so guilty......but who am I to tell her what to do, she is so sure she is right and for her maybe she is.
I told her I would wait to see what happens....she said that would be too late.
On a lighter note, I have subjected my daughter to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show", having been a teen-aged veteran....it seemed a right of passage....I still hated a good part of it and loved the first part, consistency...... finally..... somewhere......This movie touched almost every taboo at the time....incest, cross gender dressing... sexuality and even cannibalism.......yet the main characters are men....maybe that social issue was too closely sewn in the seams of society....maybe that is just my perspective...my daughter and I like Magenta, Columbia (female characters) and to a degree Janet, but only after she had tasted "forbidden fruit"......I leave that to your imagination. For me, this was the only thing that at least somehow addressed my need to explore sexuality, at that time in my life.....Janet becomes as sexually active as the main character, but is redressed in a song to put her back in her place..she is supposed to be satisfied with him as her only lover, no matter how many lovers he had.....this was the seventies, I am sure it has changed for women now....(at least I hope so) I noticed the two extremes.......... slut and virgin ......funny there was no in between .....no place for a woman to follow her heart and sexual feelings, just the two extremes........Has this changed???? God I hope so, or is this still radical?.....for me it is.....radical enough...
My final rant today......
Filling up on "junk" food, being I thought I did not eat junk food, this made me immune to this problem, but if you define junk food as food that does not nourish you......I am guilty as charged. As in the case of the doctor, if the base is to eat food that at least does you no harm......Good Lord, I can be condemned as well......What am I filling?........my body......my mind..... filling up is like mistaking sex for love is a trap...... It is easy to fall into this trap because sometimes I do not feel I can be fulfilled.....wanting to be fulfilled is a cry from the soul to nourish myself with people and activities, as well as food that feed me. I deserve to be fulfilled, as do you...we need to believe this and nourish our souls first, the food is less important and will follow. When I fill up with food or a relationship that is not fulfilling, I know it...by the tail of resentment that follows and needs to be dealt with in some way..... I am allowing myself time and compassion..healing is a bit different than surviving...I am practiced at surviving..healing like learning to walk involves falling and patiently and lovingly lifting yourself up and trying again, there is always another chance to make another choice.....we are truly blessed......
Thank you for listening
Theresa
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sortez le placard
I am quite tired today. Long day in my old home......I actually have enough distance that I can marvel at the scenery and the crowds, as if I never lived here before. Amazingly enough I am surviving being home....one moment at a time (with .... a sense of humor) Another gift from God designed to express some feelings without total alienation.
I saw some family and some almost family, both with eating issues. My aunt (from Fat is a Feminist Issue fame) gave me another book......"Eating Our Hearts Out", I will be a well read subversive.
My aunt is suffering from being different, extremely intelligent, creative, funny and very overweight. As much as I love her, I cannot convince her that her humor, spunk and creativity is valuable, because she is valuable. She is totally isolated in an apartment ( a walk-up) she can barely leave due to her leg (read weight) problems. It is a testimony to her strength, she is not on anti-depressants.
My "brother" is overweight and gay. He is my "adopted" brother, it seems he decided he wanted to be in the family ( I am not really sure why, maybe it is because as dysfunctional as we are, we laugh alot). After many mother's days cards and gifts, (which apparently arrive before mine, I've been told) he convinced my parents to accept his adoption. So he is offically in. I believe he is being a much better child than I am. I absolutely love him and adore the way he steps out of closet with grace and panache. The pictures of his friends in drag were incredibly dramatic, artistic and colorful. I am so touched by the openness and acceptance there is in his sexuality. His friends have such a supportive, loving community. It is so important to be surrounded by supportive, loving people. This my dear aunt is lacking....maybe in community, she could find people to mirror back her value, so for someone else's sake, she could find more motivation to heal (IT is always easier to do it for someone else isn't it?). Who knows!!!
I wonder how much more out of the closet...... I can come. Inspired by my brother, I will step out slowly.... one step at a time. I am not gay, but I do need to heal sexually, it seems. Luckily, I have been given amazing tools. Tools my mind.... absolutely refuses to accept as valuable or real tools. Luckily, my mind is not the only inhabitant of my body.
I am not an artist. Not at all....but I am a survivor and to survive, I have been given a tool that helps me find my heart. If I can listen to something deeper, I can hear a call to healing, with my trusty pencil, I can answer that call. Sometimes my mind takes over and perverts everything..making it difficult to see the love, I have felt so strongly in drawing. Yet when the mind is open....even just a little, I can feel a love, a connection so deep and pure ....that my heart grows and fills.... and I am filled with gratitude, awe and (thankfully) stillness.
I draw many things, but it is the pictures of sexuality, myself and my daughter that touch and heal me most. Bringing love to what is hated, misunderstood and consumed. I believe this is the second time I have admitted to anyone, I need to draw sex.......making love.... in many ways..... to change the face of it ......to look at it, as it is.... a gift from God. What can hurt us ....can heal us, if we look at it in love.
Drawing myself and my daughter helps me touch and love what I cannot accept, what I cannot express. A part of me felt so cursed to need this and somehow... I am really blessed for being given this path to healing. I need to find a community of "subversive" "artists" like me, willing to step out and heal. Thank you Victoria!!! Thank you.... to our teachers.........who showed us the way...and supported us in so many uncountable ways.....
I call this "sortez le placard" because I received an order in the form of a card pulled from a deck....thank you for listening..... being my witness to openning the closet door....I am beginning to feel the limitations and tightness of the closet......
I saw some family and some almost family, both with eating issues. My aunt (from Fat is a Feminist Issue fame) gave me another book......"Eating Our Hearts Out", I will be a well read subversive.
My aunt is suffering from being different, extremely intelligent, creative, funny and very overweight. As much as I love her, I cannot convince her that her humor, spunk and creativity is valuable, because she is valuable. She is totally isolated in an apartment ( a walk-up) she can barely leave due to her leg (read weight) problems. It is a testimony to her strength, she is not on anti-depressants.
My "brother" is overweight and gay. He is my "adopted" brother, it seems he decided he wanted to be in the family ( I am not really sure why, maybe it is because as dysfunctional as we are, we laugh alot). After many mother's days cards and gifts, (which apparently arrive before mine, I've been told) he convinced my parents to accept his adoption. So he is offically in. I believe he is being a much better child than I am. I absolutely love him and adore the way he steps out of closet with grace and panache. The pictures of his friends in drag were incredibly dramatic, artistic and colorful. I am so touched by the openness and acceptance there is in his sexuality. His friends have such a supportive, loving community. It is so important to be surrounded by supportive, loving people. This my dear aunt is lacking....maybe in community, she could find people to mirror back her value, so for someone else's sake, she could find more motivation to heal (IT is always easier to do it for someone else isn't it?). Who knows!!!
I wonder how much more out of the closet...... I can come. Inspired by my brother, I will step out slowly.... one step at a time. I am not gay, but I do need to heal sexually, it seems. Luckily, I have been given amazing tools. Tools my mind.... absolutely refuses to accept as valuable or real tools. Luckily, my mind is not the only inhabitant of my body.
I am not an artist. Not at all....but I am a survivor and to survive, I have been given a tool that helps me find my heart. If I can listen to something deeper, I can hear a call to healing, with my trusty pencil, I can answer that call. Sometimes my mind takes over and perverts everything..making it difficult to see the love, I have felt so strongly in drawing. Yet when the mind is open....even just a little, I can feel a love, a connection so deep and pure ....that my heart grows and fills.... and I am filled with gratitude, awe and (thankfully) stillness.
I draw many things, but it is the pictures of sexuality, myself and my daughter that touch and heal me most. Bringing love to what is hated, misunderstood and consumed. I believe this is the second time I have admitted to anyone, I need to draw sex.......making love.... in many ways..... to change the face of it ......to look at it, as it is.... a gift from God. What can hurt us ....can heal us, if we look at it in love.
Drawing myself and my daughter helps me touch and love what I cannot accept, what I cannot express. A part of me felt so cursed to need this and somehow... I am really blessed for being given this path to healing. I need to find a community of "subversive" "artists" like me, willing to step out and heal. Thank you Victoria!!! Thank you.... to our teachers.........who showed us the way...and supported us in so many uncountable ways.....
I call this "sortez le placard" because I received an order in the form of a card pulled from a deck....thank you for listening..... being my witness to openning the closet door....I am beginning to feel the limitations and tightness of the closet......
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Are you Ugly? Are you like me?
It is funny how my daughter always seems to pick up on the underlying current beneath the obvious daily routines. Yesterday she showed me a song....Are you ugly? The "Exies" do this song. The words that echo in my head....... Are you ugly.... a liar like me........ a sickness so pure .....money's no cure... we are dirt.... we are alone......we are afraid...... you know it's far from over.......I'm sure the words are not complete or in the correct order, but to me the message is clear..... Are you ugly? Are you like me?
We think if we look different than the accepted model of beauty, we are ugly.....over 40 we are old...., we are fat...... we are too thin..... we are so judgmental.......we are not logical enough or strong enough.....As women, we will never be enough because we are in a society where the masculine is prized....logic....the mind, linear thinking....domination ....strong versus weak, rich versus poor...mind versus body....victim and perpetrator..... We are raping the very earth we live on, without compassion we steal and take.....no regard for others or the future.
On a more personal note ....I can certainly testify to the mind induced victimization of the body. Forcing myself to analyze, examine and judge every feeling......and try to control everything... to fit in, to compensate for being so sensitive, so different than what is valued in our society....and still I am trying to fit in.... the stressful job that sucks up most of my time and life..that nagging feeling I don't belong there.... I have something else to bring.....something that doesn't come with a pay check and health insurance...a new car which ties me into the job.....Need the car to get to the job...an hour away....need the job to pay for the car......neat isn't it?
The anorexia probably is the only thing that keeps me honest.....Even if I don't purposely stop eating anymore, count calories or lie about what I eat....Stress will make me begin to disappear ....and thankfully I will have to pay attention.....I will have to heal. I can't hide from that. God gives us many gifts......we just have to have the eyes to see them...
I have been reading an interesting book "Eating in the light of the Moon" by Anita Johnston. She wrote about women with food disorders. She says most of these women are very intuitive, bright, creative and sensitive. They see between the lines. They see too much and are taught early on to fit in and hide this vision which challenges the adults around them. I remember thinking I was too big, too much for my parents. I was unacceptable, unlovable and ugly. It is amazing, the women that are bright enough to challenge things , doubt themselves so profoundly, they become no risk to the acceptable norms of daily life. It reminds me of the Jews in the concentration camps forced to guard their own, we intrinsically control ourselves....no need to be burned at the stake in this lifetime....we'll just obsess about food or how insecure we are...no time left to question anything..no confidence in our perceptions to challenge the status quo... We are enmeshed in the perpetration of the values that condemn us.....That is perfection of this system of conforming.... My aunt's book was right fat is a feminist issue.
I love this passage from Anita Johnston's book, "an assertive woman is one who honors the most feminine aspects of her being. She is able to create a vessel strong enough to contain the power of her feminine spirit, her deepest truths and her strongest emotions and can use her masculine energy to take it out in the world. she is able to address and communicate that which is invisible, those matters of the heart that we are so often moved by but find so hard to describe and validate. She is a at home in this invisible world, no longer haunted by a deep seated belief that there is something wrong with her. .....an assertive woman can have an impact on our patriarchial society's concept of power and control. "
Back to ugly.....we feel ugly when we repress our feelings and hide our true selves, When others call us ugly.... because we are different than their idea of beautiful. We are ugly when we believe we have the limits that we as well as others impose on us. If I choose to be different, am I ugly? Are you ugly, like me? How much time could we save by letting go of these harsh judgments of ourselves and others?
We think if we look different than the accepted model of beauty, we are ugly.....over 40 we are old...., we are fat...... we are too thin..... we are so judgmental.......we are not logical enough or strong enough.....As women, we will never be enough because we are in a society where the masculine is prized....logic....the mind, linear thinking....domination ....strong versus weak, rich versus poor...mind versus body....victim and perpetrator..... We are raping the very earth we live on, without compassion we steal and take.....no regard for others or the future.
On a more personal note ....I can certainly testify to the mind induced victimization of the body. Forcing myself to analyze, examine and judge every feeling......and try to control everything... to fit in, to compensate for being so sensitive, so different than what is valued in our society....and still I am trying to fit in.... the stressful job that sucks up most of my time and life..that nagging feeling I don't belong there.... I have something else to bring.....something that doesn't come with a pay check and health insurance...a new car which ties me into the job.....Need the car to get to the job...an hour away....need the job to pay for the car......neat isn't it?
The anorexia probably is the only thing that keeps me honest.....Even if I don't purposely stop eating anymore, count calories or lie about what I eat....Stress will make me begin to disappear ....and thankfully I will have to pay attention.....I will have to heal. I can't hide from that. God gives us many gifts......we just have to have the eyes to see them...
I have been reading an interesting book "Eating in the light of the Moon" by Anita Johnston. She wrote about women with food disorders. She says most of these women are very intuitive, bright, creative and sensitive. They see between the lines. They see too much and are taught early on to fit in and hide this vision which challenges the adults around them. I remember thinking I was too big, too much for my parents. I was unacceptable, unlovable and ugly. It is amazing, the women that are bright enough to challenge things , doubt themselves so profoundly, they become no risk to the acceptable norms of daily life. It reminds me of the Jews in the concentration camps forced to guard their own, we intrinsically control ourselves....no need to be burned at the stake in this lifetime....we'll just obsess about food or how insecure we are...no time left to question anything..no confidence in our perceptions to challenge the status quo... We are enmeshed in the perpetration of the values that condemn us.....That is perfection of this system of conforming.... My aunt's book was right fat is a feminist issue.
I love this passage from Anita Johnston's book, "an assertive woman is one who honors the most feminine aspects of her being. She is able to create a vessel strong enough to contain the power of her feminine spirit, her deepest truths and her strongest emotions and can use her masculine energy to take it out in the world. she is able to address and communicate that which is invisible, those matters of the heart that we are so often moved by but find so hard to describe and validate. She is a at home in this invisible world, no longer haunted by a deep seated belief that there is something wrong with her. .....an assertive woman can have an impact on our patriarchial society's concept of power and control. "
Back to ugly.....we feel ugly when we repress our feelings and hide our true selves, When others call us ugly.... because we are different than their idea of beautiful. We are ugly when we believe we have the limits that we as well as others impose on us. If I choose to be different, am I ugly? Are you ugly, like me? How much time could we save by letting go of these harsh judgments of ourselves and others?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Are you different too?
I am writing this blog as a way to connect to others who have are living some of the same things as I am. I have spent most of my life just trying to fit in and I am exhausted and have to accept that I am not happy trying to live like how I think I am supposed to live. I am certainly not far off in a commune.... although I think that would make more sense to me than how I live now... and yet it is so difficult for me to move....I am a mother of a teenager, I am a semi-single parent meaning... I don't live with my daugther's father. but we do see him. I am lucky to have a job that is not easy for me, but pays the bills and keeps me living... like we do here in the west.... I am stuck in this because of all the dreams we (I) live here...... being self sufficent and working at a respectable job.. It is hard to let go of this job. (even if it is killing us )(me) I feel like I need to do something else.. but don't know what. So I will continue I think for now, until I figure out what I need to do.. if I have the courage to do something different...
My daughter is going through some hard times at school. She is not like the girls she goes to school with. It seems they have alot to say about her...and they really let her know she is unacceptable.... she is very smart.... but lives virtually, writing and reading on the computer. It makes sense to withdraw, if you don't feel accepted. We could easily be labeled losers and probably would be by some people. I accept that..... I am a loser at fitting into a society that is so sick..... it is killing the planet we live on because it is easier than changing........ scary isn't it? I have tried the get married, have kids and live happily ever after, only it just wasn't happily ever after. I am educated and have that job, I work hard all day at something that pays me and I learn many things there but something is missing...I just can''t accept that this is all there is to life..you live with your little family, work, spend money, pollute, help a few people and then you die. The way we are living is asking, no begging for change.... maybe I am one of those people who need to find some other way to live....maybe we losers can band together and find some other way to live with a purpose, a sense to life..I look around and see the way we live and distract ourselves ( me included). This keeps us from the feeling of emptiness that makes us drink or eat or play on the computer all day. LIFE IS ALL AROUND US BUT SOME HOW WE ARE AFRAID TO LIVE IT ... TO LET GO OF THE CONTROL WE THINK WE HAVE AND BE A PART OF LIFE.....What would it take for us to see the world and the things we have all around us that support us ever day in living air, plants water ......friends? We need desperately to find a way of changing the way we see life. More to follow....
My daughter is going through some hard times at school. She is not like the girls she goes to school with. It seems they have alot to say about her...and they really let her know she is unacceptable.... she is very smart.... but lives virtually, writing and reading on the computer. It makes sense to withdraw, if you don't feel accepted. We could easily be labeled losers and probably would be by some people. I accept that..... I am a loser at fitting into a society that is so sick..... it is killing the planet we live on because it is easier than changing........ scary isn't it? I have tried the get married, have kids and live happily ever after, only it just wasn't happily ever after. I am educated and have that job, I work hard all day at something that pays me and I learn many things there but something is missing...I just can''t accept that this is all there is to life..you live with your little family, work, spend money, pollute, help a few people and then you die. The way we are living is asking, no begging for change.... maybe I am one of those people who need to find some other way to live....maybe we losers can band together and find some other way to live with a purpose, a sense to life..I look around and see the way we live and distract ourselves ( me included). This keeps us from the feeling of emptiness that makes us drink or eat or play on the computer all day. LIFE IS ALL AROUND US BUT SOME HOW WE ARE AFRAID TO LIVE IT ... TO LET GO OF THE CONTROL WE THINK WE HAVE AND BE A PART OF LIFE.....What would it take for us to see the world and the things we have all around us that support us ever day in living air, plants water ......friends? We need desperately to find a way of changing the way we see life. More to follow....
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