Bitch Alert

Hi

Well it has been a couple of days of stock piling subjects to write about, just when I think I have nothing more to say ............... I become too full of things to say .........my horoscope warned me "today find less radical ways of expressing yourself"......funny I think that is exactly the problem.... I've done that for way too long. I find I want to express myself constantly......It took all my strength not to tell the guy behind the drug store counter, he should look less bored, if he wants to keep his job. This coming on the tail end of writing an honest criticism of the service at a restaurant. A restaurant that I did not want to go to, where I ate something I did not want and was misrepresented....all to be nice..........Good lord no wonder I do not want to be around my family, somehow I get the feeling it is happening on both sides, we come from a long line of people who do not speak their minds and God knows when I do, the shit hits the fan.... My stomach is still upset and letting me know about it. This upset stomach is giving me this time to write, I cannot sleep with such an upset stomach. This is the gift in the challenge. Why is it being nice for me, translates into eating shit both literally and figuratively?

It is so much easier to be honest with strangers...and they seem to be receiving my wrath or my beginning attempts to express myself, depending on how you look at it. I do have to give myself credit....with humor, I have been more direct with my dad...it's my mom that challenges me now.


I have to warn you that I am on a bitch alert....... my childhood best friend is removing her currently healthy ovaries on the advice I suppose of her doctor, I thought their first and foremost creed was, at the very base, to do no harm.....to the patient. She is also going to do her breasts.... because they are also at risk. It seems she has a high risk due to a gene.......she has insurance and time coming to her....... so she wants to do it all as soon as possible. Her mother and grandma seemed to be clear of this disease( I believe), but all the sisters seem to have been done (translate this into having had their breasts and ovaries removed) or half done. One sister had it done all at once......she is still is the hospital almost a month due to complications....

I had read about this mentality, before the gene.......where women were told to remove their uterus, ovaries and breasts as preventative actions, since after children they were not needed ... .......Are penises ever cut off as preventative medicine......( I warned you!!!)

The best I could do was beg my friend to wait on doing her breasts, I felt, ....since I was not in her shoes, I had no right to tell her to reconsider the ovary procedure. It is scheduled for my birthday, she informed me more than once......I am sure there is a message in this, but I do not know what it is...except my birthday will be more stressful than usual.

When I was younger, I was in a group of writers, we wrote about everything. Many of the women were older and had these procedures done..they were angry and felt they were misled....it is hard to make decisions when fear is present. Being nice ....civilized.....I feel so guilty......but who am I to tell her what to do, she is so sure she is right and for her maybe she is.
I told her I would wait to see what happens....she said that would be too late.

On a lighter note, I have subjected my daughter to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show", having been a teen-aged veteran....it seemed a right of passage....I still hated a good part of it and loved the first part, consistency...... finally..... somewhere......This movie touched almost every taboo at the time....incest, cross gender dressing... sexuality and even cannibalism.......yet the main characters are men....maybe that social issue was too closely sewn in the seams of society....maybe that is just my perspective...my daughter and I like Magenta, Columbia (female characters) and to a degree Janet, but only after she had tasted "forbidden fruit"......I leave that to your imagination. For me, this was the only thing that at least somehow addressed my need to explore sexuality, at that time in my life.....Janet becomes as sexually active as the main character, but is redressed in a song to put her back in her place..she is supposed to be satisfied with him as her only lover, no matter how many lovers he had.....this was the seventies, I am sure it has changed for women now....(at least I hope so) I noticed the two extremes.......... slut and virgin ......funny there was no in between .....no place for a woman to follow her heart and sexual feelings, just the two extremes........Has this changed???? God I hope so, or is this still radical?.....for me it is.....radical enough...
My final rant today......
Filling up on "junk" food, being I thought I did not eat junk food, this made me immune to this problem, but if you define junk food as food that does not nourish you......I am guilty as charged. As in the case of the doctor, if the base is to eat food that at least does you no harm......Good Lord, I can be condemned as well......What am I filling?........my body......my mind..... filling up is like mistaking sex for love is a trap...... It is easy to fall into this trap because sometimes I do not feel I can be fulfilled.....wanting to be fulfilled is a cry from the soul to nourish myself with people and activities, as well as food that feed me. I deserve to be fulfilled, as do you...we need to believe this and nourish our souls first, the food is less important and will follow. When I fill up with food or a relationship that is not fulfilling, I know it...by the tail of resentment that follows and needs to be dealt with in some way..... I am allowing myself time and compassion..healing is a bit different than surviving...I am practiced at surviving..healing like learning to walk involves falling and patiently and lovingly lifting yourself up and trying again, there is always another chance to make another choice.....we are truly blessed......

Thank you for listening
Theresa