Sortez le placard

I am quite tired today. Long day in my old home......I actually have enough distance that I can marvel at the scenery and the crowds, as if I never lived here before. Amazingly enough I am surviving being home....one moment at a time (with .... a sense of humor) Another gift from God designed to express some feelings without total alienation.

I saw some family and some almost family, both with eating issues. My aunt (from Fat is a Feminist Issue fame) gave me another book......"Eating Our Hearts Out", I will be a well read subversive.
My aunt is suffering from being different, extremely intelligent, creative, funny and very overweight. As much as I love her, I cannot convince her that her humor, spunk and creativity is valuable, because she is valuable. She is totally isolated in an apartment ( a walk-up) she can barely leave due to her leg (read weight) problems. It is a testimony to her strength, she is not on anti-depressants.

My "brother" is overweight and gay. He is my "adopted" brother, it seems he decided he wanted to be in the family ( I am not really sure why, maybe it is because as dysfunctional as we are, we laugh alot). After many mother's days cards and gifts, (which apparently arrive before mine, I've been told) he convinced my parents to accept his adoption. So he is offically in. I believe he is being a much better child than I am. I absolutely love him and adore the way he steps out of closet with grace and panache. The pictures of his friends in drag were incredibly dramatic, artistic and colorful. I am so touched by the openness and acceptance there is in his sexuality. His friends have such a supportive, loving community. It is so important to be surrounded by supportive, loving people. This my dear aunt is lacking....maybe in community, she could find people to mirror back her value, so for someone else's sake, she could find more motivation to heal (IT is always easier to do it for someone else isn't it?). Who knows!!!

I wonder how much more out of the closet...... I can come. Inspired by my brother, I will step out slowly.... one step at a time. I am not gay, but I do need to heal sexually, it seems. Luckily, I have been given amazing tools. Tools my mind.... absolutely refuses to accept as valuable or real tools. Luckily, my mind is not the only inhabitant of my body.

I am not an artist. Not at all....but I am a survivor and to survive, I have been given a tool that helps me find my heart. If I can listen to something deeper, I can hear a call to healing, with my trusty pencil, I can answer that call. Sometimes my mind takes over and perverts everything..making it difficult to see the love, I have felt so strongly in drawing. Yet when the mind is open....even just a little, I can feel a love, a connection so deep and pure ....that my heart grows and fills.... and I am filled with gratitude, awe and (thankfully) stillness.

I draw many things, but it is the pictures of sexuality, myself and my daughter that touch and heal me most. Bringing love to what is hated, misunderstood and consumed. I believe this is the second time I have admitted to anyone, I need to draw sex.......making love.... in many ways..... to change the face of it ......to look at it, as it is.... a gift from God. What can hurt us ....can heal us, if we look at it in love.

Drawing myself and my daughter helps me touch and love what I cannot accept, what I cannot express. A part of me felt so cursed to need this and somehow... I am really blessed for being given this path to healing. I need to find a community of "subversive" "artists" like me, willing to step out and heal. Thank you Victoria!!! Thank you.... to our teachers.........who showed us the way...and supported us in so many uncountable ways.....

I call this "sortez le placard" because I received an order in the form of a card pulled from a deck....thank you for listening..... being my witness to openning the closet door....I am beginning to feel the limitations and tightness of the closet......